So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
