i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
