There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
