is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
