The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
