you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
