There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I AM VODKA MAN
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
