Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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