Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
