woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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