I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
