I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
