I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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