In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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