Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
