Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
