i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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