i can't believe i had my finger in that
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
