I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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