Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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