She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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