Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Found the puke drawer
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
