i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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