I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
