We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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