please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Randomize
