Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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