Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
