Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'm so fucking centered right now
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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