Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
