my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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