cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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