Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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