Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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