I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
