Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
