Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
