I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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