I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
