Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
