I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
