i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
