Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
whose ass print is on the piano?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
