I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
