I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
