i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
