sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
