So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
