I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
