So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
what the fuck happened to the tacos
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
